Healing From Abuse and Learning to Forgive

 

Work harder, stay busy, keep smiling, and do not stop long enough to feel the hurt. This was a bad idea because I had learned all the wrong ways to deal with trauma and grief.

I was in an abusive relationship for three years. I know, I know—the question is always, "Why did you stay in it so long?" Well, in the beginning, I thought that being in the arms of my own Black man would help me feel safe from all the racism and classism I faced in the UK. Well, I was wrong. It turned out that in “his” arms, I was unsafe.

I did not feel happy at my old job before I became self-employed, for the reasons I told you in part 1, and I did not feel happy at home either. I felt lost and did not know how to navigate the hurt or stop the deep pain I felt in my heart (it wasn't a heart attack, thank goodness). It was a void filled with flames, and I did not know how to put them out.

I was screaming on the inside for help, and no one could hear me because my smile was so good at hiding the hurt. After the blows from his fists and feet connected with my eyes, lips, stomach, back, legs, and other places, there was no part of my body that had not been touched by the abuse. Every part of me had suffered.

The day finally arrived when I had to make the decision to let him go. I have realised that when a person wants to leave your life, it is not always communicated through words. It can be communicated through abuse—whether verbal, physical, emotional, or psychological. It can even be communicated through being ignored.

I believe we all have an inner spirit that guides us, and we get hurt when we do not listen to that guidance.

Leaving that relationship was when I started listening to the spirit that guides me. Some of us call it intuition, some call it Spirit, and some call it God. For me, that Spirit is God.

Even though the relationship ended, I carried the scars and trauma for many years, along with the trauma caused by miscarriages. At the time, I did not seek help from Therapists, Counsellors, or Life Coaches. I thought burying the hurt was a good idea because I was a "strong Black woman" (one day I will expand on this strong Black woman myth) who would be okay on her own. I would just keep praying and smiling.

It was time to free myself, and that started with forgiving my abuser.

I believe that simply saying, "I forgive you," does not heal the hurt. For me, saying those words was accepting that I needed to forgive him. After making that decision, my heart and mind were at war. This was the toughest fight of my life—trying to get my heart and mind to agree with each other throughout the forgiveness process, because forgiveness is a process.

The hurt I had buried had festered. It moved into my muscles, joints, and my habit of overworking only doubled the pain. This is where the story of my chronic fatigue really begins.

See Part 3 to learn how I freed myself.

Your New Blogger,

Keon

From Workplace Pain to Purpose

 From Workplace Pain to Purpose

Last time, I told you who I am today. Now, let me take you back to where it all started.

Before I became self-employed, I worked in a place I will not name for now, and I will also keep my job title private. What I will say is this: I have always loved working with people and helping them achieve their goals. I truly believe everyone has the right to become who they want to be and to live a happy, fulfilling life.

I got on well with everyone, or at least I thought I did. I followed the rules. I did what was expected of me. But there was one thing I did not know: the rules for Black people were different from the rules for White people.

That shocked me. The treatment I experienced as a Black woman in the UK was completely different from being a Black woman in the Caribbean. To sum it up in a few words, the way I was treated was very mean. I know some readers may want me to go into more detail, but I believe that conversation is better had in a setting where people can ask questions, and I can answer as openly as possible. One day, I will do just that.

What I knew then, and what I know even more strongly now, is that I deserved better. I could not build my future in a place where I was not valued. So, I left.

At the same time, I had noticed how often people complained of back, knee, and joint pain, muscular aches, and general discomfort. I wanted to help. That desire led me to study and become a self-employed sports massage therapist.

Was I scared? Absolutely. I was nervous too. Every doubt you can think of came flooding in: What if I am not good enough? What if I fail? What happens if I become ill? How will I get paid? What about holiday pay? What about tax? And that was only the beginning of the list.

But guess what? I did it anyway. I told myself, “If it does not work, at least I will have gained the knowledge of how to set up a business.”

Whenever I have to make a tough decision, I run myself a hot bath, light a candle, lie back, close my eyes, pray, and then pause to think. That is where I asked myself: What should be the first step, and what should be the last step, in getting my sports massage business started?

Then the ideas started flowing. I rushed out of the bath, grabbed a book and a pen, and began writing my business plan. I wrote down everything, from the business name, Rehab Unknot Remedial and Sport Massage Therapist, which later became Therapist to Specialist, to how I would find my first client.

From then on, whenever I had another tough decision to make, I made sure my planning book and pencil were right next to the bath.

Soon, I had given birth to my business, and my first client was booked. 

Leading up to that appointment, I was extremely nervous, and the doubts returned. Thoughts rushed in, trying hard to stop me from doing the fantastic job I knew I could do.

Then the day arrived. I met my client and greeted him with the biggest smile. I was honest and told him he was my very first client. I also let him know that I welcomed any constructive feedback he had.

In that moment, I realised something about myself: when nervousness tries to take over, I put on a big, bright smile. And that smile became even bigger because I genuinely loved the work.

At the end of the treatment, the client gave me thoughtful feedback. During the first month of business, clients began calling me “magic hands” and “healing hands.” I honestly did not know what to do with compliments like that. My reply was always, “Really? I just enjoy what I do.”

That business became my whole world for 20 years, along with being a mother.

Over those years, my body was trying to communicate with me. It was telling me to rest, to take breaks, and to look after myself better. 

But I did not listen. My stubbornness allowed past traumas from physical abuse and grief to show up in my body.

This was something I hid from everyone. I hid the pain behind my big smile and overworked to avoid thinking about it. I believe that at the time, if I became super busy, I would not have time to think about past or present hurt.

I did not get the right help at the right time. Instead, I created a coping mechanism: work harder, stay busy, keep smiling, and do not stop long enough to feel the hurt.

That was a very bad idea.

See Part 2 to find out why.

Your new blogger,
Keon

Struggling With Chronic Fatigue and How it Has Affected My Life

Thriving with Chronic Fatigue: Shift the Focus From Suffering to Living

This is me — a woman who built a Sports Massage business from scratch after facing racism in my old workplace. I’m also a single mother of two who spent years making sure my home ran smoothly, my children were happy, my work was steady, and my clients felt cared for. But there was one person I forgot to check in on: me.

Hello, overworked and very busy ladies — welcome to my blog.

Blogging is completely new to me, but I’m here, and I’m going to do my best to share my story in a way that uplifts and empowers you, too.

So let me back up a little and tell you who I am — and where life took me when I wasn’t caring for myself the way I should have been.

I’m a 43-year-old mother of two teenagers. That picture above? That’s me, chilling in a green space with a tonic water and a slice of lemon. That person is resting. Yes — resting.

For years, I worked hard. And as a Sports Massage therapist, I worked even harder. Over more than 20 years as a self-employed therapist, I was called strong, the best massage therapist, magic hands, healing hands, and plenty more.

I loved my job. I loved helping people. But eventually, it was time to put it down — not by choice, but because my body simply couldn’t do it anymore.

This will be a sequel-style blog. I’ll be sharing my journey: life as a migrant, the physical abuse I survived in a past relationship, the racism I faced as an employee, the trauma that came with them both, and everything that led me from being a Massage Therapist to becoming a Life Coach — and much more.

Some parts of this journey are tough. Other parts are joyful. But my goal is always the same: to show you the positives hiding in every story, even the ones where they’re hard to see at first.

I want to show you how I’ve turned my pain into something that helps me and now helps others, too. I believe deeply in the power of storytelling.

I’d describe myself as shy — although my family, friends, and clients would strongly disagree. I’m private too, but I’m learning that my story might help others. And I’m resilient, because I refuse to let abuse, trauma, or health challenges have the final word on my life.

Stay tuned and follow along. I’m brand new to this blogging world, and this is truly my very first post — so please be kind in the comments. If you have questions, ask away, and I’ll do my best to answer.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m looking forward to sharing Part 1 with you — and honestly, I have no idea how many parts there will be. I’ll just keep writing.

Be kind to yourself, and hydrate.

Your new blogger,
Keon